Time Delinquents
by ThreeFoolsWriting
Summary: After their first unguided mission goes horribly wrong, three Time Lords are sent on a wild goose chase across the multi-verse, making new friends, enemies, and possibly destroying time lines. Can the Delinquents happy-go-lucky demeanor and companions, witting and otherwise, survive the real world, or will they be forced to grow up when reality catches up with them?
1. Episode 1: A Likely Story

Episode 1:  
A Likely Story.

* * *

Standing in the middle of the bare room, the young Time Lord known as the Cavalier shifted his eyes from side to side.

"Look." he said, "I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't my fault." He was addressing the older Time Lord on the other side of a ornate granite desk, the placard on it read: 'The Judge'.

The wall behind the Judge was a simple red wood, the dim light suspended from the ceiling illuminated the Judge leaning forward. He peered at the Cavalier over folded fingers, waiting for him to speak.

Ill ease with his spartan surroundings, the Cavalier did his best to explain. "You see, sir. It was the Pilot. Pilot did it, he was the one who asked for pancakes. So, I told him, the spatula don't work that way. It does anything but pancakes, I said. I can make you a muffin, but nooo..." The Cavalier was getting into the stride of the story, the words were rolling easily off his tongue now. "He wanted pancakes, wouldn't take no for an answer. So, I tried. But, like I said the spatula, that's my sonic spatula."

The Cavalier pulled out a yellow plastic spatula from a pocket in his long coat, springs and wires hung off the end.. "This thing here. Well, the spatula doesn't do pancakes. I really tried, but friction, and batter, and a little pinch of high explosives... Ka-boom."

Frowning, the Judge tilted his head forward, his heavy eyebrows formed a single line.. "Please, continue."

The Cavalier swallowed, sticking his hands in the pockets of his long, black, leather, coat. "Look, it's not my fault. Enigma tried to put out the fire, but he had the wrong button. Kinda lit the temple on fire. Only a little bit though."

The Judge leaned back in his chair. It squeaked as it rocked backwards. "Only a little bit? The entire building burned to the ground."

Wincing, the Cavalier averted his eyes from the Judge. "The High Master was not pleased, first the hat, now the temple, then the next week there was the other temple. Nasty business for everyone."

The Judge sighed. "And just what a temple doing on that planet?"

"Besides burning?"

"Besides burning."

"Standing? Looking pretty? Serving small sandwiches? Employing pretty priestesses. All that good stuff. "

"I meant, why was the temple there in the first place?"

"Because the locals built it there." answered the Cavalier with a smile.

The Judge rolled his eyes. "This cavalier attitude you're sporting, it will-" he placed his face in his hand. "I walked into that one, didn't I?"

The Cavalier beamed, and nodded. "Yup."

"Forget it."

"Not gonna happen."

With a scraping noise, the Judge opened a drawer in his desk and took out a pencil and sheet of paper. He tapped the pencil near the top of the paper. The Cavalier arched his neck, trying to get a look at the paper. The top of the paper curled over, revealing a pair of angry looking eyes. The Cavalier sighed, and slumped.

"You are aware that the very existence of that structure violates your entire mandate?" asked the Judge.

"Are you aware your paper is looking at me funny?" shot back the Cavalier. The Judge rolled his eyes and sighed again. The Cavalier mentally pumped his fist. Finally, both reactions at once.

The Judge rolled up the paper, and pushed it aside. The Cavalier waggled his eyebrows at the disappearing eyes.

"I will ask again. Are you aware that a temple even existing on that planet is a direct violation of your mandate?"

The Cavalier shrugged. "Look, it was there when we got there. We had nothing to do with that, nothing at all."

"You are sure?" the Judge tapped his desk with his fingers.

"Uh-huh."

The Judge stood. "Very well. I do hope you realize the seriousness of this matter, your very future could hang in the balance. Before we adjourn, do you have any final statements to make in your defense?"

"Only that I'm very sorry for the actions my friends took. Oh, and that it's not my fault." The Cavalier took off his hat, and bowed to the Judge. "Thank you for hearing my side of the story. Just remember, it's the truth." The Cavalier turned, and all but sprinted from the room.

* * *

"First of all," the Pilot said, leaning forward in his chair pointing two fingers at the Inquisitor, "lemme just say that I was only slightly involved in what happened." His eyes shifted from side to side nervously. "Well, partially involved." With a sigh, his hand dropped. "I'm in sooooo much trouble, aren't I?"

Taking the Inquisitor's silence as encouragement to continue, the Pilot took a deep breath and fell into the high-backed chair. "Well, if there's anyone really to blame, it was Enigma. He was suppose to be the one keeping us on mission, but he ended up getting just as swept up in it as the rest of us. I just drove the TARDIS."

He shrugged, producing a small, clawed instrument not unlike a wrench from within his jacket. He waggled it between two fingers as he spoke "So anyway, bad things start spiralling out of control. Things are on fire everywhere, no-one knows what the heck's going on, the Imperial High Master's hat is now a duck; complete pandemonium." The Pilot attempted to gesture with his arms the scope of the situation.

"Did you attempt anything to stop this..." the Inquisitor paused while he searched for the right word, "panic?"

"Oh yeah, loads." The Pilot tapped the silver device against the side of his head. "Didn't really help, though. See, there was this temple and-"

"Now just wait a moment there. The people of that planet were supposed to be strictly non-religious. What was a temple—which I may remind you is a place or worship— doing there?"

The Pilot lept to his feet, hands on the desk. "Okay, now THAT wasn't my fault at all. The temple was there when we got there." His eyes shifted again. "Pretty sure."

The Inquisitor sighed, absentmindedly straightening his mustache. "No-one has accused you of anything of that sort quite yet."

"Oh." The Pilot took his seat again. His eyebrows narrowed. "Wait. Yet?"

"Continue with your account, Pilot."

"Right, where was I?" He tapped the wrench against his nose as he thought.

Against his better judgement, the Inquisitor's inquisitive side could stand it no longer. "Just what exactly is that device of yours?"

"Huh? Oh, this thing?" The Pilot held up the clawed wench. "A beauty, isn't it? Made it myself on the way there. A Neutron Spanner."

"And what exactly does it do?"

"It, uh, breaks the laws of physics at things. A bit dangerous, actually. It's what turned the hat into a duck."

The Inquisitor's eyebrow rose. "Should you really be playing with that?"

With a shrug, the Pilot stuck the Neutron Spanner behind his ear. "Probably not."

With a sigh, and rapidly increasing headache, the Inquisitor stood, gathering his notes as he did so. "I think I have heard quite enough."

The Pilot lept to his feet for a second time, slamming his hands on the desk. "OBJECTION!" He pointed an accusing finger at the Inquisitor. "I find that quite... objectionable..." He fell back into his chair. "On second thought, never mind."

The Inquisitor pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing louder and longer than before. "Just... leave. Join your companions or... something."

"Yessir." The Pilot stood, his chair scraping along the ground. "Just one last thing."

"What is it?"

The Pilot took another deep breath, a serious expression on his face now. "Those pancakes were absolute rubbish."

* * *

"Well you see, uh. It all started simply enough, actually I think it truly started with the words; 'I'm going to need a rubber duck, two rolls of duct tape, some cabbage, a toilet plunger and perhaps some glue.' It just sort of slowly roasted from there into a big loaf of 'oh snap bread,' and then got seasoned with a sprinkle of good intentions, and then it all got dropped on to a the floor in a huge mess." Spoke the Enigma, feeling a disapproving stare from the Detective.

"See the TARDIS started to sound funny; so I walked away from the console to try and find the source of the sound and thats when I slipped on a banana peel. I knew that the monkey had been through there" the Enigma continued.

"So you are blaming a monkey for everything?" asked the Detective, Writing a couple things down in his note book.

"No," Enigma quickly responded. "The monkey was just one of those random oddities that has nothing to do with anything. It's ah... a red herring I think the humans would call it. It was actually the sound of the TARDIS having engine trouble... or what ever powers its ability to move trouble. So I ordered the Pilot to set us down in the nearest place he could."

"So it was the Pilot's fault?" the Detective asked scratching a few more things in his book.

"No, he probably could have picked a better place to set down. Anyway once we were settled down I went to go check the TARDIS's device of time and space propulsion, and well then I said it." Enigma responded leaning back in his chair and looking at the ceiling.

"Said what?" the Detective asked his almost constant scratching in that notebook, pausing for more information.

"The line, the one that started it. you know the rubber duck and all of it." Enigma said still staring upwards, cringing at the sound of the scratching continue. "Anyway while I started trying to fix the propulsion device, apparently the Cavalier went outside to do something. And I guess the Pilot followed him later. Anyway a while later I went out to find them, and try to figure out why I was suddenly alone. So I left the monkey in charge."

The tip of the detective's pencil broke at that point. "You... left the monkey in charge. I thought it wasn't involved in anything that happened on the planet?"

"Oh it wasn't. It was involved in something else." The Enigma responded.

"What was it involved in then?" the Detective asked.

"Uhh, I can't answer that on the grounds that it would incriminate me by association, and the monkey," the Enigma responded. "Anyway, I come out just in time to see the Cavalier holding that spatula he carries around high in the air, and for a pancake land on the temple, and then it just kind of... uh Phoomph." The Enigma said throwing his hands out to his sides.

"Phoomph?" the Detective said doing the same hand motion.

"Yea, the whole place just kind of lit up like a small star. It was actually kind of pretty. And no one was hurt, I think." the Enigma continued.

"Okay backing up a little bit, can you tell me why there was a temple on that planet?" the Detective asked, trying to save a little of his own sanity.

"Well I can't be too sure, when everyone was watching the temple burn I think I saw a shifty looking fish feeling the scene of the burning temple." The Enigma spoke in a whisper leaning in like he was afraid that someone else was listening. "But I can't be too sure as I didn't see the start of the whole thing, anyway I figured out how to save the temple, I tried to use my universal remote to create make it rain, but I couldn't get enough reception for that. So instead I tried to change the ground under the temple to a swamp," The Enigma shuddered. "That didn't end so well."

"How so?" the Detective asked.

"Uhm... Have you ever heard of swamp gases? The whole swamp just kind of... There was all of this... It was sort of like one giant... uh burning thing." The Enigma finished. He put his hands between his legs and the chair, and offered no further comments.

"I see." The Detective responded. "Do you have anything further to say in your defence?"

"Uh the weird noise, monkey, combustible pancakes, shifty fish, swamp gases; Did I say anything about the Karshivck?"

"The Karshivck?" the Detective asked.

"What Karshivck? I didn't say anything about a Karshivck." the Enigma snapped back, before clamming up once again.

"Very well then I'll take your statement to the others you can go wait in the waiting room for when we are ready to receive you as a group." The Detective spoke while standing up. He picked up his notepad and pencil and then left the room.

* * *

The Cavalier was becoming very bored. He'd been sitting still for almost a full minute. There was nothing interesting in the waiting room, so he stared at Enigma. He hadn't said anything when he entered. The Cavalier was dying to know what happened.

He stood up, he couldn't take sitting anymore. "So, what happened?" he demanded.

"Uh, not much. I was asked a bunch of questions, and then answered them." Responded the Enigma. "Nothing overtly interesting happened, what about you?"

The Cavalier punched himself in the palm. "The same thing. Seems like the Judge thinks you're responsible for burning down the temple." he shook his hand. "Also, ouch."

"Thinks I'm responsible? Did you blame the whole thing on me?" The Enigma asked, looking hurt, a bit indignant, but mostly angry. "It was that pancake of yours that started the whole fire!"

Cavalier wheeled to stare Enigma in the face."My pancake? It was Pilot's pancake! I wanted to make him a muffin, but he wanted a pancake. I told him my sonic doesn't do pancakes, but did he listen? It's his fault, not mine!"

"You're the one who decided to cook them outside for some reason. Why did you cook it outside?" The Enigma asked, looking at his fellow Time Lord in trouble.

"It was too long of a walk back to the TARDIS, and you know how Pilot gets when he's hungry." The Cavalier shrugged as he finished.

"On another note, why were you two outside in the first place? I thought you were going to try and find the pool?" The Enigma asked. "Actually didn't I give you an order to find the pool?"

"Orders? When did you give orders? Was it before the monkey? And who put you in charge anyway? I thought we were all equal on this one!" The Cavalier visibly deflated. "Aw, I think we might have really messed up big time." He perked up. "Do you think they'll let us keep the TARDIS when they banish us?"

"I don't see why not." The Pilot fell backwards onto the nearby bench, brushing a strand of hair away from his face. "After what I told them, I wouldn't be surprised if we each got commendations."

"Oh, hello." said the Cavalier, turning to face the Pilot. He froze. "Wait, commendations? What in the name of Skaro did you tell them? And was there always a bench there?"

"I don't think so." The Enigma responded.

The Pilot shrugged. "It's a wibbly-wobbly bench. Time-resistant and all that." He took the Neutrino Spanner out from behind his ear and began spinning it between his fingers again. "So, do we know anything about our collective fates yet?"

The Cavalier shook his head. "Not a peep." He took his spatula out of his coat and began mimicking the Pilot.

"How long do you intend to keep using that anyway?" the Pilot asked, eyeing the strangely sonic utensil.

"What's wrong with my spatula? I happen to be quite fond of it." As the Cavalier frowned, his spatula spun out of his hand, and smashed on the beige wall of the room. "Bloody hell." The Cavalier shrugged, and pulled an identical spatula from another pocket. "Always keep a spare." he said, resuming the twirl.

"I bet I can fix that mark on the wall." The Enigma said pulling his Universal Remote out and pointing it at the wall. "Lets try my personal favorite. Channel two fifty seven."

"Is that a good idea?" asked the Cavalier. "Remember last time?"

The Pilot shrugged. "Couldn't be worse than five-oh-one. I _hate_ five-oh-one."

"Fair enough. Five-oh-one was pretty bad. No way this one can be worse." agreed the Cavalier.

"Ah, I thought Five-oh-one was fairly good, anyway let's check this out." The Enigma pressed the enter button on the remote and the wall suddenly became a portal to some underground cave with some large pink lizard in it.

"This is new. Hello there!" called the Cavalier through the wall, giving the lizard a cheery wave. He turned to the other two. "I like this channel." he whispered.

The Pilot stared at the lizard with a decidedly deadpan expression; the corners of his lips quivering as he suppressed a giggle. "Why is there a lady lizard in the wall?"

"Uhm well that was unexpected. Uh, hello Miss Dragon. Is it just me or does it look angry?" the Enigma asked?

"I vote we change the channel," the Pilot said, raising one hand.

"I dunno. I think she's kinda cute," argued the Cavalier, tilting his head.

"Oh, look, smoke is coming from it's mouth. Lets try eighty eight." the Enigma said quickly entering the new numbers into the remote.

"Aw... Did I upset you? I didn't mean to. Call me!" shouted the Cavalier.

"Good bye Miss Dragon." The Enigma said as he started to channel surf many kinds of walls flashed before the eyes of the three Time Lords; tall ones, short ones, red ones, blue ones, one with green eggs and ham. The wall finally settled on a rather strange, but bizarrely similar wall.

The only change from the first wall was that the new wall had a pair of posters. One of a small black bird, holding a pair of cymbals, astride a large white bear. The other showed an armoured fighting vehicle with the caption of "Ok Captain, armour like that will take us _all_ the way to Berlin!"

The Pilot tilted his head, staring intently at the poster of the bird and bear. "Well then, this is much more interesting." He turned to the Enigma, giving him a thumbs-up. "Well done indeed."

"I dunno, I liked two-fifty-seven. I think the lady lizard and I had a nice thing going there." said the Cavalier. "I don't get this at all."

"You thought you and the shower door-handle had a thing until you decided it was more interested in Enigma," the Pilot quipped back. "There simply isn't enough door-handle for the both of you." He grinned impishly. "It's too much for it to _handle_."

"The only reason the door-handle kept looking at me was because I had a much larger and much more fancier hat at the time... Does anyone else feel an icy cold stare of heavy disapproval on your backs? Or is it just me?" The Enigma asked.

"Now that you mention it..." The Pilot turned around. His eyes went wide and his face pale. "Uh... guys? I think we're in trouble," he barely whispered, a nervous smile spreading across his twitching face.

"Ooh!" called out the Cavalier. "Again! Is it the lady lizard?" He turned around. "Oh. That kind of trouble. Not so much fun. Hi guys! How's it been?"

The Enigma was the final one to turn around, largely because he was hoping it was some kind of reverse situation to the Weeping Angels; if you don't look at them, maybe they can't hurt you. But he eventually caved in largely because his nose was running and his legs had gone numb from the cold.

"Hey, you know, you guys can be really terrifying, especially when I don't know you're there." said the Cavalier to the Judge, the Detective, and the Inquisitor. The three of them were standing near the far wall, a mixture of disappointment and confusion evident on their faces.

The Inquisitor's eyes narrowed, flicking between the three junior Time Lords and their handiwork. He spoke through gritted teeth. "One of you... ANY of you. FIX that wall!"

The Pilot snapped a salute, making a noise similar to "meep" as he fumbled with his Spanner. He spun about, fiddling with one of the dials and muttering to himself. "Thirty-seven alpha. That oughta do it." He pointed the Neutrino Spanner at the wall, using both hands to steady his shaking hands.. "One fixed wall coming up, sirs!"

"Don't worry. This'll work. It usually does." The Cavalier paused. "Sometimes."

The Enigma quickly moved away from the wall and took the best cover he could behind a couch on the far wall. "See It's that sometimes that bothers me." He spoke from behind the couch.

"Here we go!" The Pilot pressed the largest of the buttons on the Spanner. Aside from the low tone emanating from his device, nothing seemed to happen for a few seconds until a strange whistling sound began faintly emanating from where it was aimed.

"Ooh. That's not a happy sound. I think this might be one of those bad times..." moaned the Cavalier.

The Pilot's smile faltered for a second. "Don't worry! This is perfectly normal!" A split second later, the bird and bear poster began to balloon outward. The tacks holding it to the wall came loose, revealing what appeared to be a large soap bubble made of wall. "Uhh..." A second bubble began forming nearby, followed by another. And another. "Perhaps Enigma had the right idea..." the Pilot said, taking a step back just before the largest of the bubbles burst, covering him and the Cavalier with a coating of liquified wall-stuff. The Pilot's face contorted, reflecting his utter disgust. "Ewwwwwwww."

The Cavalier sighed, and began brushing at the beige liquid with his spatula. "I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it." The spatula began to buzz faintly. The Cavalier didn't seem to notice. A few seconds later, the Cavalier's coat began to smoke.

"Say," the Pilot said, wiping blobs of wall from his face. "Is that one of those smoking jackets?"

"No. What makes you say that- oh." The Cavalier's eyes widened as a tendril of smoke drifted up his nose. "I see." he said, flailing with the spatula. The smoke thickened. "Uh, little help here, guys?"

"Not to worry!" the Pilot said with enthusiasm that was rapidly turning to sheer terror. "I can fix this!" He brandished the Spanner again, once again fiddling with the dials.

"That won't be necessary." The Detective said as he stepped forward pulling out sonic cigarette lighter and pointed it at a water sprinkler above the now heavily smoking Cavalier. The sprinkler burst into life and happily began to soak everything it could possibly reach, including the main target directly beneath it.

The Cavalier stumbled against the wall, surrounded by mist. "Well, that was a good way to let off some steam." he said, stowing the spatula in his breast pocket. A few seconds later he winced as a sizzling sound came from that vicinity.

"Seems to me," the Pilot said, sticking his spanner behind one ear again, "that we're all..." He shook his head. "No, even I can't make that pun. The pun-ishment would be too- Darn it."

The Judge stepped forward, hands on his hips. "It is time for this madness to end. The committee has reached a decision. We have an assignment for you."

The Cavalier perked up, leaping off the wall, spatula in hand. "We're ready! Tell us what to do!"

"An assignment, huh?" The Pilot brushed more wall from his coat. "We're not gonna have to write," he began speaking in a nasally tone, "I will not replace the wall with one from an alternate dimension, cause said wall to begin to boil, and set myself on fire," he switched back to his normal speaking voice, "five hundred times, are we?"

"Aw... I don't like that kind of assignment. It's so boring, with the writing and the sitting..." protested the Cavalier.

"It could be worse," the Enigma said standing up from behind the couch. "At least it won't be some pointless fetch quest. It won't be a pointless fetch quest will it? I honestly think you three wouldn't set us up on something as potentially damaging as one of those."

The Judge frowned. "A what quest? Nevermind. I don't want to know. No. We have something of great importance for you to do. We need you to deliver this package to the Doctor. Seeing as you are even more insane that he is, tracking him should be...easy...for you."

The Inquisitor cleared his throat. "Well, by 'great importance', we mean that it's minor enough that even _you_ three couldn't mess it up too badly." He shot a glare at the Pilot, who looked like he was taking the statement as a challenge. "Don't even think about it."

"I think it's a bit late for that. Either way, here is the box holding what ever we want you to deliver to a Time Lord named The Doctor." The Detective spoke, reaching back through the door they had entered the room and pulled a large boring looking brown paper wrapped box. "There is one final thing you need to know about this package. _Never! Ever_ open it! or we'll know, and you will be on one of those fetch quests you speak of."

The Cavalier stepped forward, and carefully took the package from the Detective. "On my word of honor, I will not try to open this box." he said, stepping back.

The Pilot placed a hand on the Cavalier's shoulder. "I swear on his honor too. No opening of the boring box of unknown contents."

The Enigma went with a more traditional method of lying to your superiors, he crossed his fingers behind his back and responded with a simple, "Yes sirs."

The three senior Time Lords walked out of the room. The Cavalier shot the Pilot a smile, and began tearing at the box's wrapping. The Judge stuck his head through the door.

"Knock that off." he said. The Cavalier looked up in panic. The Judge frowned. The Cavalier smiled, and shrugged. The Judge shook his head, and disappeared again.

"Right then." said the Cavalier. "To the TARDIS?"

"To the TARDIS!" echoed the Enigma.

"For adventure!" imitated the Pilot.


	2. Episode 2: First Impressions

Episode 2

First Impressions:

* * *

"Hey, guys." said the Cavalier, fighting to be heard over the wailing sound of the Time Vortex. "I'm hungry."

The Pilot looked up from his control panel, continuing to wind a crank as he did. "Hmm,

come to think of it, so am I."

The Cavalier stepped in front of the Pilot. He threw a very large lever on the Pilot's control panel. "Alright, snacks it is!"A shower of sparks burst from the panel, and the TARDIS lurched to the right, tossing the Cavalier against the control panel. "You know, I think that might have been the wrong lever." he said, pushing himself away from the panel. "It hurt more than usual."

Leaning over the panel, the Pilot examined the lever. "Yeah, that's the north-east brake." He shoved the Cavalier gently to one side. "Please don't do that."

The Cavalier looked up at the Pilot.. "Why's it say 'snacks' on it then?"

"It didn't before. The monkey got its little paws on the label maker earlier."

The Cavalier frowned, and pushed a series of buttons. "Where is the monkey anyway? I haven't seen it for a while. Come to think of it, where's Enigma?"

The Pilot kicked what appeared to be a microwave oven door shut. "I think they're looking for the swimming pool or something." He flipped a circuit breaker, causing the lights to flicker out for a second. "Check the fridge, would you?"

The Cavalier shrugged. "Okay." He walked across the control room, to a large jungle green refrigerator, and opened the door. "Pilot! Why are there only bananas in the fridge?"

"What?" The Pilot sauntered over to the Cavalier, leaning over his shoulder. "Uh..." He picked up a banana, looking it over. "Huh. Haven't the foggiest."

The Cavalier ambled back to the control panel. "I blame the monkey." He pulled another lever and pushed four pink buttons."Taking us to the nearest place to find food!"

"Oye!" The Pilot ran back to the panel, slapping the Cavalier's hand. "That's my control station! Hand o-" He was interrupted by the control room going into conniptions.

After a few seconds of something akin to the spin-cycle, the TARDIS settled. The Cavalier ran away from the panel, shouting: "Food ahoy!"

"Hold up!" The Pilot pressed a few buttons. "Gotta set the Chameleon Circuit first."

"Don't worry!" called back the Cavalier. "I already did!" With that, he leapt into the elevator in the center of the room and disappeared in a sequence of flashing lights.

The Enigma opened the door to the control room and resorted to using its frame to hold himself up. "What's going on and, erp. Where is he going?" The Enigma asked his voice wavering, and he was curiously dripping.

The Pilot shrugged. "Out."

"Out where? And what was up with that sudden hop to the left? " The Enigma asked.

"Let me explain." The Pilot held up a finger and froze. "No, it'll take too long. Here's the short version. We have no snacks, and there's only bananas in the fridge. We're refilling on munchies."

"Hey, are you coming?" called the Cavalier over the intercom.

"I hate bananas." The Enigma muttered to himself. "Be with you in a second." he said throwing his winter coat on and starting back out the door and along the long way to the exit.

The Pilot shrugged, pushing his goggles up onto his forehead as he peeled his banana with his teeth. "Tally ho!" He stepped into the elevator, biting off about half the banana as he jammed the down button.

* * *

Outside the TARDIS the Cavalier stood stock still. In front of him was a paved street, on the other side stood a small human child, holding an ice cream cone. The child stared at the strange man who just exited what appeared to be a ten-foot tall penguin that appeared out of more-or-less thin air. The Cavalier stared back at the child.

"Hello!" He called out, striding towards the child, leather duster snapping behind him. "I'm hungry, do you know where to get food on this planet?"

The child squinted. "How'd you fit in the penguin?"

"How'd I fit in the penguin?" the Cavalier frowned. "What penguin?" The child pointed behind him.

The Cavalier snapped around. "Oh, that. It's called a penguin?"

The child nodded. Just then, the Pilot bounded from behind the penguin, banana in hand. The Enigma followed a few short seconds later huffing from the distance of the long way around.

"I didn't know that." The Cavalier turned to the Enigma. "Did you know that?"

"Know what?" The Enigma asked pulling a notebook out of his pocket.

The Pilot stood in front of the penguin, looking up into its baleful eyes. "What did you do to my TARDIS?" he cried, clutching his head with both hands.

The Cavalier stepped over to the child and put a hand on the boy's head. "Frank here," he looked at the child. "Your name is now Frank, Johnny." He turned back to his companions. "Anyway, Frank here, he has informed me that this is a Penguin. Now, I ask again: Enigma, did you know that?"

"Huh," The Enigma paused with a thoughtful look. "No, I wasn't aware of that fact." He spoke as he scribbled something down in the notebook having found a charred stick. "Now which way was it to the all important munchie supplies?"

Frank-Johnny frowned. "You talk funny."

The Pilot poked his head out from behind his companions. "Huh. We seem to have landed on a planet of the midgets who carry frozen sweets" He peeled the remainder of the skin off his banana, stuffing the fruit into his mouth. A seven foot tall human walked past.

"Well I guess that is the end of that idea, unless he was just visiting." The Enigma responded. "Look, this short one doesn't seem to be inclined to help us, I guess we'll have to find the snacks on our own. Lets try... that a'way?" He continued pointing towards a spot behind the TARDIS.

"Alright," said the Cavalier. "That way it is." The Cavalier spun around, and slammed into a thick wooden pole.

The Pilot set his face in one palm. "Great..."

"You okay there Cavalier?" the Enigma asked while walking past his compatriot.

The Cavalier mumbled something, and peeled himself off the pole. He snapped to face the human child. "You! You didn't see anything! Not even the penguin!" The child nodded, eyes wide.

The Pilot looked up at the penguin-TARDIS, tilting his head quizzically. "How're we gonna lock a penguin?"

"We could tie a chain around it." The Enigma hesitantly suggested.

The Cavalier pulled out his spatula, and pointed it at the penguin. "Huh, according to this, it's already locked."

"Well in that case," The Enigma motioned for the Cavalier to lead onward.

The Cavalier nodded, and started to run down the street, nose high in the air. The Enigma just followed behind, sketching a rough map in his notebook along the way. Trailing behind them, the Pilot began braiding the three sections of his banana skin together as he followed.

* * *

Edwin Emmerson, a up-and-coming young college student, stood at the far wall, studying a magazine. He'd submitted an essay of his, and while it was unlikely that the editors would understand the genius that lay within his work, it might have managed to slip in through some trick of fate. For the seventh time, he wondered why they'd neglected to send him an acceptance letter, but given the peons who usually were trusted with these jobs, he wouldn't be surprised if it was lost in the mail, headed to Abu Dhabi.

A bell above the door tinkled. Three strange men walked in. The one in the lead wore a black coat that hung to his ankles and a broad hat. In his right hand dangled a bright yellow plastic spatula, for some unknown reason wires and valves snaked around the utensil's end.

"Nice place. Lots of food." said the man, nodding to his companions.

The next man in was wearing a heavy winter coat, and underneath was some kind of strange shirt that almost seemed to be made entirely out of pockets. He was also wearing cargo pants with zippers around the knees, one of the removable sections was currently absent. Socks and sandals adorned his feet, but the strangest thing was that he appeared to be slightly wet.

"There may be a lot of food but the real question is will we like any of it?" He spoke before angling himself towards the same aisle as Edwin.

The last man, shorter than the others, pointed what appeared to be a highly modified wrench about the shop. Looking at the slowly blinking light on its handle, he stuffed it into a black bomber jacket; the fluffy fringe about his neck standing up. He pushed a pair of brass goggles over his eyes, leaning in toward a bag of jelly beans, hands in the back pockets of his black slacks. As if to complete0 the ensemble, under the jacket he wore a black waistcoat and white shirt, and about his neck was a red string tie.

"Given the high sugar content of most of these snacks, I think it should be nearly impossible to find something that- Ooh, licorice sticks!" He wandered off toward the snacks, hand outstretched.

The first man followed the shorter one, idling pointing his spatula at Edwin. "You! Local-being-man-thing! What is the protocol for obtaining tasty foodstuffs on this planet?"

Edwin's eyebrows were about as high up on his forehead as they could be without retracting into his black hair. "There's so many things wrong with that sentence..." He put the magazine down, turning to face the stranger pointing kitchenware at him; seemingly looking down at the stranger from behind his glasses. "First of all, combining the terms 'being', 'man', and 'thing' is extremely redundant. Not to mention that 'being' and 'thing' contradict each other. Secondly, who the heck are you?"

The man bowed, sweeping his hat off his head. "I'm the Cavalier, I'm from another planet, and probably a different time." the Cavalier checked his spatula. "Yeah, a different time. Funny thing about time travel..."

"You tend to meet people who keep asking all the wrong question, all of the times." The Enigma spoke browsing through the magazine Edwin had just discarded.

"Yes, that seems to be the case. People on this planet are so..." the Cavalier turned away from Edwin, staring intently at a package of ball bearings. "Are these edible?"

Edwin put his face in one hand. "Yes, they're _edible_." He put emphasis on the word, mentally adding air-quotes around it. "They're not tasty, nor are they good for your health or body, but you can in fact ingest them."

"Really?" The Pilot looked up at Edwin, the goggles making him look not unlike a large insect in a jacket. "Interesting." He turned his gaze to the Cavalier. "In that case, we have plenty of those back in the penguin."

The Cavalier spun back to face Edwin. "It just occured to me," he said, pointing the spatula at Edwin's nose. "We haven't been properly introduced." The Cavalier leaned closer to Edwin, halting less than three inches away from his rather thin face. He sniffed.

Edwin leaned away, taking a few steps back. "No, we haven't. What on Earth is wrong with you?"

The Cavalier followed Edwin, maintaining his distance. He looked over Edwin's shoulder, staring into the middle distance. "Most likely everything. Didn't I say I was from a different planet already?" he rapped on Edwin's forehead with the spatula. "Do you need a hearing exam?" he asked, gesturing with the kitchenware.

"Do you need a brain exam?"

The Cavalier frowned. "Maybe... Maybe..." he twisted the spatula to point at his own head. It whirred for a moment. "Nope, all good here." Something dripped from his ear. "Don't mind that. Side effect. Perfectly normal."

"I wasn't aware that sonic spatulas were rated for medical work." the Enigma spoke tossing the magazine back onto the rack from whence it came. He then moved deeper into the store.

"Medical-shemedical, this one is modified." The Cavalier made a grandiose gesture with the spatula. A trio of bottles on the shelf above Edwin burst into flame. "Whoops."

Edwin leapt away from the burning bottles. "How the heck did you do that?"

The Cavalier looked up at the blazing bottles. "I dunno. I think I did..." the Cavalier waved the spatula again, another bottle erupted in fire. "Oh wow! That's so cool!"

The Pilot pulled the goggles from his eyes, setting them on his forehead. "Perhaps you should... refrain from igniting any more bottles of..." he examined the slightly singed label of one of the bottles, "'Mountain Dew'? How does one collect dew from a mountain? Surely you collect it from the leaves _on_ the mountain." He straightened up, placing his hands on his hips. "This store is rife with scientific inaccuracies!"

"I... I..." Edwin's eyes darted between the two men, occasionally looking to the third, hopefully saner member of their group for assistance. "Who are you people? What do you want?"

The Cavalier draped an arm around Edwin's shoulders, and stared at the ceiling. "Like I said, I'm the Cavalier, that's the Pilot, and the one made of pockets of is the Enigma." he patted Edwin's arm. "As to what we want..." the Cavalier looked around. "We're hungry. Where you headed, Edwin?"

"Where am I headed? I'm-" Edwin froze, staring at the Cavalier, eyes wide. "How do you know my name?"

With a quick twist of his arm, the Cavalier spun Edwin to face him. His eyes gazed across an impossible distance at Edwin. "Trust me..." he smiled, flipping the spatula between his fingers. "I'm the Cavalier." The spatula flew out of his hand, smashing through a nearby window. The smile slid off the Cavalier's face. "That usually doesn't happen." he said with a grimace.

The Pilot popped his head up from behind the next aisle over, a candy bar stuffed behind each ear. "What happened? Did you break something again?" His eyebrows knitted together. "You know I'm still trying to fix... whatever it was you did to the TARDIS."

"That was the monkey!" The Cavalier scoffed, putting his arm around Edwin again. "Look, ignore the spatula, it's not important." He jerked a thumb at the Pilot. "Him too, he's not important either, except the candy bars, they're important. Anyway, you never answered my question. Where are you headed, Edwin?"

The Enigma's voice boomed from the back of the store, "Stop blaming things on the monkey when we all know that it was the Flursering-Fluttiken-Wibklunk!"

The Pilot tilted his head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, not bothering to look back at the Enigma. "The Flippidy-Floppidy-Whonow?"

"Oi!" shouted the Cavalier. "Knock off that chatter!" he turned back to Edwin. "They aren't important. Seriously though, answer the bleeding question already!"

There were about twenty things Edwin could correct about their last few sentences, but by this point he was too shocked to comment. "W-what was the question again?"

"I think that my comrade wanted to know where you were going to go once you were done here." The Enigma responded, mysteriously next to Edwin again. Thumbing through another magazine.

The Cavalier shook his head. "No, that's not it at all. I asked, _Where are you headed?_"

"Hang on." The Pilot attempted to vault over the shelving, but only managed to get caught halfway and was forced to wobble from side to side until he fell off. "Oof. Anyway, what's the difference between 'where are you headed' and 'where are you going'?" He felt under his jacket, and his face fell. "I think I broke the licorice..."

Edwin, now quite afraid that he was almost getting use to these antics, found his curiosity overwhelming his common sense. "How do you break licorice?"

The Cavalier sighed. "Alright. Fine. He breaks physics, all the time. Don't question it, it's the spanner." The Cavalier rolled his eyes. "Are you going to answer the question anytime soon? What if I hold my breath, will that help?" he sucked in a large gulp of air, ballooning out his cheeks.

After briefly considering keeping quiet and seeing how long 'the Cavalier' could hold his breath, Edwin decided it was best to answer them before something even stranger happened; if that was possible. "...Home. I was going to go home." He paused for a second, looking at the three strangers. "Although, now I'm considering the police..."

His expression disappointed, the Cavalier stepped back, letting out his breath. "Oh, that's boring. How about space? You wanna go to space?" he looked at the Pilot and the Enigma. "You want to take this one to space? I like him."

The Pilot shook his head, the candy bars falling out from behind his ears and into his collar. "No way. We don't even know if it's house-trained, let alone TARDIS-trained. Besides, aren't we forgetting our original reason for coming here?"

"Well you guys maybe but I didn't, I've got all of the snacks and stuff I'll need right here in my pockets... uh... one of them." The Enigma started patting himself down.

"Oh, yeah. The mission, but what would the Doctor be doing here? I mean, this is a nowhen planet. Nothing happens here." the Cavalier cast a sorrowful look at Edwin. "Sorry, buddy, we can't take you to space. You'll have to make due with the police. I hope they're nice."

The Pilot pulled out a bag of freshly powdered licorice, smacking the Cavalier over the head with it. "Not the Doctor, you fool. The snacks! The important bit!" Looking at the bag for a second, he sighed and tossed it over one shoulder. "Anyway, snacks. Getting. Sometime soon, I hope."

The Cavalier rubbed at his head where the Pilot had hit him. "Okay, okay. Snacks." He pulled out a blocky device from a pocket, and flipped it to Edwin. "Here, give me a call sometime." he winked, and walked away. "I think we might have a thing." he whispered to the Pilot.

"You always think you have a thing. You think you and the thing have a thing, and that you have a thing with that thing too."

"Yeah, your point? Stop standing in the way of true love!" the Cavalier stormed out the door, inexplicably holding two bags of assorted ball bearings.

The Pilot leaned over to Edwin, whispering in his ear. "Don't use that at 6:53. It might explode." He then skipped off after the Cavalier, grabbing two bags of jelly beans off of the shelf.

"I wouldn't recommend that you use that at 35:6 either." The Enigma offered on his way past Edwin.

Edwin watched in stunned silence as they walked out the door. "But you didn't pay," he said, already knowing that they were out of earshot. He sighed, thankful that they had left and that he'd fulfilled his weirdness quota for the month. After a moment of thought, he left the magazine where it was on the rack, zipped up his coat, and walked out the door; making sure to go in a different direction than those three... people had.

After walking for a few minutes, he could take it no longer. "_What the heck just happened_?" he shouted, scaring off several birds, a cat, and a small child with a ice cream cone. Edwin stalked off in the direction of the parking garage where he'd left his car.

* * *

Once in the relative silence of the garage, he found himself rationalizing what had happened. It had obviously been some sort of prank; possibly for TV. He hadn't seen any cameras, but that was easy enough to hide. He made a mental note to check online to see if there were any 'candid-camera'-style shows in the local area. He walked up to his car, sticking a hand in his pants pocket to search for his keys.

"Mr. Emmerson, I presume." the voice seemed to come from nowhere.

Edwin spun about, keyring held in what he hoped was a threatening manner. "Who's there? I've had enough strangeness for one day, thank you very much. Either come out here or leave me alone!"

The voice laughed. It was behind Edwin now. "You are never alone, Mr. Emmerson. We're always watching."

Fist clenched, Edwin turned, arm cocked back. He took a swing... at nothing. There was nothing there but his car a few feet away. He looked up, but there were no speakers of any kind that he could see. "Okay, let's just drop the whole 'ooh, invisible' thing," he said, trying to keep the quiver from his voice. "Show yourself!"

"As you wish, Mr. Emmerson." the voice had taken on a hissing quality. "I suppose that you can't fight something that you cannot see, and I think of myself as a sportsman."

Edwin turned around again, fists raised. What he saw shocked him enough to make him drop his keys. Three figures stood in the shadows of the single flickering light above them. They were short, only a little more than four feet tall. Edwin first noticed their clothes, all were dressed in immaculate tuxedos, but there was something very, very, wrong about them. The right hand one was dressed in brilliant cyan. The left was in a terrifying shade of bright yellow, and the center... the center one was wearing a blazing hot pink tuxedo. Then, the faces hit Edwin. They weren't human. Three grey faces stared at him, they were almost triangular, a simple slit for a mouth, no nose, and giant upward slanting black eyes.

"Greetings, Mr. Emmerson of Earth. We have come in peace. Take us to your leader." The center alien, Edwin couldn't think of another way to describe it, raised its three-fingered hand, each finger spread apart.

Edwin stared down at them for a few seconds. "What?" he said, not quite comprehending what was going on. "What?" he repeated, this time at a slightly higher pitch. Then, as what the alien had said set in, his eyebrows dropped. "What." He pointed a finger down at the center alien, poking it in the oversized forehead. "What are you, the cliche squad? Or did I fall into a B-movie?"

The alien's eyes narrowed. "You are a very funny man, Mr. Emmerson. Awesome, Radical, take him away." the alien pointed at Edwin, the two others flanking him moved forward, each grabbing onto one of Edwin's forearms. The center alien smiled. "Oh, and prepare... the probes."

Edwin struggled against the surprisingly strong grip of the aliens, trying not to look directly at their clothes for fear of going blind. "Just who the heck are you people?"

The center alien's smile grew, and he pulled an oversized a pair of aviator sunglasses from his breast pocket. Turning away from Edwin, he slid the glasses onto his face. "The name is... The Dude." Shimmering light enveloped Edwin and the others, and the parking garage vanished.


End file.
